I've been told by many that I am a pack rat. And to another person's eyes, I am. But I'm not really sure that its completely true. I don't know. My ultimate goal this break has been to try to de-clutter and clean out some of the "stuff" that is in my house. Even I have been feeling "closed-in" lately. But it's no easy matter in my house to begin. You see, where I tend to hang on to things, my husband holds on to nothing. If it doesn't serve an immediate purpose, it's gone. But though my husband doesn't like clutter, he also doesn't know how to organize squat. So I first have to spend hours re-discovering things I thought were long gone. I've found utensils for my kitchen in boxes, clothes stashed in corners, important tax documents stacked in piles...its enough to drive me mad. And then I have to take time to decide what to keep, what to donate, and what to trash. Then I have to agonize on just where to put the things I want to keep. Why is this so hard for me? Though people make fun of me for having stuff, they also say that I am organized. And I am. But I'm afraid to let things go. I'm afraid that I'll throw out some important piece of history that I might need. I'm not so attached to old bills and medical papers as I am to personal things. How does one begin to organize these things? How do organized people store all of their things? How can my sister-in-law have very little "stuff" that I can see, yet she can lay hands on a Christmas cookie tin my mom gave my brother 10 years ago? You see, I have the tins that Mom gave to me, but when it comes to Christmas time, I can't find them!
In an attempt to take back control of my life, I'm de-cluttering. I've been going through old papers, old school supplies, and some old toys (that's another story entirely) and getting rid of things I no longer need. And its frustrating- it will take lots of time to do. And in my experience, with two active children, I have difficulty finding that time. But I'm working really hard. And I kinda feel good. I feel like I'm regaining control of the reins of my life. But it is so hard.
It is part of a greater goal of mine- a resolution, I guess. I want to be a better person than I have been. I've oft heard it said that to truly be happy where others can see it, you must get your own affairs in order. This is step one. I'm trying to convince myself that I am in control of my life- that I will not let my life determine who I am. There are two theories in human geography. The first is called environmental determinism. It states that the actions of humans are wholly determined by the environment in which they live. The "opposite" theory is called possibilism. It states that humans determine their lives, and that they can adapt their environment to suit their needs so much as it is truly possible. And with new technology, the things that are possible in life are growing almost faster than people can think of them. Applying that to my life, I don't want my circumstances to determine my life anymore. I want to determine my own life, be proactive, and make my own choices. I want to enjoy my life as a main character, not just exist as a bystander reacting to things happening around me. I need the strength to do this. I am working on where that comes from- from within myself I know- but sometimes that's a scary place to go.
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